Growing together... In marriage

Coming from an Indian family guarantees that the topic of marriage was brought up at least twice a week since I turned 20, several days a week since I graduated college and multiple times everyday once I had spent over a year working after graduation. On having seen glimpses of the ups and downs of marriage in my immediate family, I'd often wonder if the ups in any marriage were worth going through the downs. And when the marriage topic started taking over all of the family's conversations, I turned towards the women in the house, married friends and obviously the internet to find out what people thought. I heard opinions that ranged everywhere from "marriage is magic" to "being married is like being imprisoned" and everything else in between. But somehow the women in my family convinced me that having someone to even fight with (not that you'd only fight or argue) is a blessing and that growing old and building a family with someone is a beautiful experience and missing out on it is something I don't deserve. When I did get convinced that marriage might not be all that bad, I was worried if I would be able to make the right decision about the person I'd marry. I then thought that in an arranged marriage, that responsibility is shared and that the core of my faith teaches that there is a reason behind everything God intends to happen to you. So with that belief, I set on.

Almost one year after my marriage, I now look back at the indecision, nervousness, excitement, anticipation and all the emotions that come before marriage, and also at the tumultuous journey that the first year of marriage usually is; and reflect on what it has been and how it has changed me. But most of all, I look at the companionship with my husband that has grown over the months and at how we have imbibed in ourselves, qualities of the other. At times, just reflecting upon the fact that somebody that was a stranger two years back is now the person I spend most of my day with, the most important person in my life, leaves me in awe of how quickly relationships can develop over a short span of time. It is amazing how someone who hasn't known you or your story for the first 20 or so years of your life can suddenly start reading your mind, your mood, understanding your likes, dislikes, sleep pattern and what not!?

In the months after marriage, I have started enjoying his playlist of a specific few Tamil songs from the late 90's and early 2000's; learnt to make tea to his liking; appreciate (if not share) his love for biryani; accepted that a guy could never have enough shirts in shades of blue and varieties of plaid; observed that a basketball player will forever be tempted to exhibit his basketball skills even if its scope only extends to throwing trash into the trash bin at home; been awed by his amazing culinary skills; accepted that eating Indian cuisine for most part of the week is still okay; been introduced to and made to like classic Hollywood movies; become accustomed to the idea of lazy weekends as opposed to my "let's go to the city!" weekend mood; and become familiar with dialogues from numerous Tamil movies and realized that it is possible to come up with a dialogue for every situation; and most of all have been at the receiving end of such care that I often feel like I am being spoiled! At the same time, he has also begun to like Italian and Mediterranean cuisines; learnt to put up with my taste of music; become accustomed to my extreme excitement at little things; become understanding of my need to have the house be sparkling clean at all times and forced himself to accompany me to the city on weekends, even though he absolutely loathes the crowded city streets.

There are the things you eventually get used to in a marriage. But there are also things that you constantly do for each other just because you know how much it means to your spouse. There maybe things that were explicitly conveyed to you, but then also there are things you learn about them over time. While my husband knows that it is the lovely little notes he leaves for me at home before heading to work, surprising me with desserts (often the Hershey's chocolate mousse cake, but really any dessert would do), finding movies for us to watch that he knows I'll like for sure and spoiling me with makeup. However, he has also discovered over time that nothing makes me quite as happy as him surprising me with a clean kitchen at the end of a tiring day or pancakes for breakfast on a lazy weekend morning or just sitting beside me, calming me down while I panic and rush at the last minute to finish assignments on time.

But what matters is not just how much we've both become accustomed to the other's likes and dislikes. It is also how we've both developed mutual interests and begun traditions of our own. I don't claim to be an expert in marriage. But, I speak out of experience when I say that for a marriage to work, mutual love is usually not enough. There needs to be open mindedness and willingness to change and adapt. Naturally, in a marriage there will be great, good, bad and awful days. If on the most awful of days, there is hope, then the marriage has succeeded. However, the effort needs to come from both sides and the secret to a happy marriage is in putting in the effort and finding someone that would put in the effort. I consider myself extremely fortunate that I have someone that not only brings love, but also effort into the marriage.

A true blue honeymoon adventure

I'll start off with a confession. I never learned how to swim. After multiple failed attempts at trying to schedule swim classes, I just gave up at some point last year. But when I took it upon myself to plan our delayed honeymoon, I felt a tinge of regret at not having learned how to swim. Anyways, I ignored the regret and planned us a relaxing one week on board Royal Caribbean's Oasis of the Seas cruise ship for a combined birthday-honeymoon trip, in the 2nd week of May. It was this cruise that pulled me through all of March and April. When we finally boarded the ship and it set sail into Caribbean waters, we were in for a week of gorgeous views, beautiful waters, an unlimited supply of food, my chance to get photographed in some beautiful summer outfits and as we discovered later, some moments of reflection as well.

Almost immediately after setting sail, we found ourselves surrounded by water and only water. The vastness of the tiny part of the ocean we traveled through, still amazes me. For somebody that is not very familiar with sailing, it takes a while to get used to the idea of being in the middle of the ocean with nothing but water everywhere you looked (of course except for the luxurious interiors of the cruise ship). Once the sun sets, the darkness that surrounds the ship is something that can't be imagined or explained unless one experiences it first hand. As the ship arrived at the breathtakingly beautiful Labadee in Haiti on day 3, we were looking forward to ziplining on the world's longest zipline over water and trying our hands on a couple more adventure sports. Amidst my awe of the beautiful Caribbean landscape, excitement at trying the zipline and a teeny bit of fear at being on this adventure sport - beach paradise without knowing how to swim. But who lets fear take over on their cruise honeymoon? So I ignored that fear, packed a bag full of beach essentials, doused ourselves with sunscreen and almost hopped my way out of the cruise ship looking like a true hijabi Caribbean tourist, accompanied by my husband who couldn't really understand my obsession with the beach.

As soon as we got on land, we went around trying to book our adventure sports for the day. After leaving the parasailing kiosk disappointed because they were sold out, we went ahead and reserved spots for the zipline adventure. My husband then suggested jet skiing. That's when my fear began to peek again. But he convinced me saying that he'll drive and I can just sit behind him and enjoy the view. Reluctantly, I agreed. After the 20 minute long information session, I began to feel a lot more confident and slightly excited. There were about 15 people on the group with us and two instructors/guides. One of the instructors would be on a jet ski at the front of the group and the other behind and we'd all be moving in a line. There were about 10 jet skis, either with a single rider or with a driver and passenger. My husband and I were on the last jet ski, followed only by the instructor at the back. We were prepared for the adventure with life vests and my husband wore an additional vest with handles on either side for me to hold on to. At about four spots in the ocean, we'd all regroup and then start off again. Once we started moving, I realized I'm going to be spending the entire time praying with my eyes closed, rather than enjoying the view or the experience. But it would have been a shame to not look at the gorgeous landscape, so I tried to overlook the fear and make use of the chance; while my husband tried to scare me even more by speeding.

After the third time we regrouped, where we were met by some locals selling handmade objects on kayaks, we started off again. As the rest of the group started moving, we took off too. At one point, just as I was starting to finally feel at ease on the jet ski, we made a sharp turn and the jet ski toppled over, dropping us into the ocean. For a handful of seconds, I found myself under water, drinking in a lot of sea water. I had accepted the fact that this could be the end when I realized that we were wearing life jackets and we'd resurface. Right about then, we did resurface. In all this chaos, I hadn't let go of the handles on my husband's vest (which I'd later tell him is a metaphor for how the rest of our lives will be!); and he was holding on to the jet ski. As we called out for help, the instructor that had been at the back of the group, and the men on the kayaks were making their way towards us. Once they reached us, they'd asked to let go of the jet ski, to which we furiously protested and then realized that it was the smartest thing to do at the moment. As we let go of the jet ski, we went underwater again. This time, as we resurfaced, we held on to one of the kayaks while the jet ski was being turned over. The instructor then helped us on to the jet ski and called for a new one. We waited on the malfunctioning jet ski, in the middle of the ocean, waiting for the replacement to arrive, soaking wet. I was shivering - both because of the wetness and panic, while my husband stayed calm and kept smiling throughout. I'd never understand how one can keep calm after having fallen into the ocean, but his calmness kept my panic under check throughout the episode. Once our new jet ski arrived, we were able to continue on and join the rest of the group at their last regrouping session.

When we reached the shore though, we quickly moved on to lunch, some time at the beach and our breathtakingly beautiful ziplining adventure before it was time for the ship to set sail again. However, once we reached our state room on the ship and had time to contemplate on the happenings of the day, was when we realized the magnitude of what had happened earlier that day! Thinking about those few moments I spent underwater, gives me goosebumps even two months later. It was an experience to truly realize the vastness and beauty of creation, the fragility of life and how big of a blessing it was to be in each other's company through it all. It was quite a honeymoon adventure, but also, drinking all that salt water somehow miraculously got rid of a stubborn cough that had refused to go away for days. What we had planned for was a different and unique honeymoon experience, but it turned out to be an adventure of a lifetime!