For how much time goes into preparing a bride for her wedding and for the initial few days of meeting new people on her husband's side of the family, no one really prepares a girl for her first or so year of being a bride. Certainly no one prepared me for my "grad school wife life". I would forever ask myself if starting grad school within a month of getting married and moving in with the husband was a good idea. To say that the last 4 months have been an absolute roller coaster ride would be a gross understatement. While I was navigating the unfamiliarity of being a wife and living with just one other person, I had also gone back to school after a break of 31 months to start on a competitive graduate program. These last four months have been a whirlwind of everything and for days, had me caught up in the fear of missing the beautiful moments that are unique to the initial few months of marriage, amidst all the chaos.
What the best and the worst part of an Indian marriage are, happen to be the same. It is the fact that Indian marriages are the union of two families and not just two individuals. While it is beautiful, it is just as chaotic as it sounds. Add to that, getting used to managing a house and spending half the day by yourself, when you're accustomed only to noise. The first month of marriage was already seeming difficult. Then I started school. The heavy workload on top of all the other new things in my life, and I stumbled. Badly. That stumble was what taught me my first lesson in marriage. That you marry so that one person doesn't have to take it all on themselves. You have another person, exclusively to yourself, to lean on. There have been stumbles along the way and each time has taught me something new. The most important of which is to share. In a marriage, what people often forget is that neither person can read minds. If you don't share with your spouse, they can't possibly know what you're thinking of and how you're feeling. If you don't share with each other, you won't know how one person's actions make the other feel. You also can't expect your spouse to help you if you don't share your thoughts with them. This was a lot easier for my husband than for me and along the way, I have realized multiple times how important it is to share with each other. Equally important is to realize that anything you put into a marriage is multiplied manifold. The more love and understanding and effort and respect and support and patience you put into a marriage, the more you get. Similarly, the anger and frustration and irritation you put into a marriage will also be multiplied. Every day teaches me something new and and every lesson learnt is a step taken towards a successful marriage.
Four months is a relatively short period and I can't claim to be an expert in marriage yet. But over this course of time, I've realized that what they say is true. All marriages have their fair share of good, bad and ugly days. The most trivial of things can lead to the ugliest of fights and the most controversial of topics an be discussed without any issues. Without the bad and ugly days, we would never realize truly how beautiful the good days are. In spite of how hard a marriage can be, it can be much more comforting and supportive if you let it be. And the beauty of marriage, like everything else in life, lies in the little things. It is the late night drives on dark and empty highways; the lazy days that are completely spent on the couch eating home-delivered pizza and binge-watching movies; the impulsive trips to get ice-cream and then lament about the unwanted calorie consumption; both of us trying to find solutions to homework problems assigned to me; going bowling and trying to beat each other at it; cooking together and/or for each other; having snowball fights in the living room; listening and singing to mutually favorite songs together; him shaking his head watching me at my craziest; talking for hours without realizing the time passing by; and in all the little things we do together on a daily basis.
Like Shashi (the character played by Sri Devi) says in the movie English Vinglish, a marriage is about helping and encouraging each other. The success of any marriage relies greatly on combined effort. Being a roller coaster ride, it comes with its fair share of excitement. What is important is to stick together through all the ups and downs, to rely on each other, to learn to share the load with each other, and above all, to love, to respect, to be understanding, to forgive and to encourage. The bad and ugly days are all part of the package and will only make the marriage stronger, emerging out of those.
What the best and the worst part of an Indian marriage are, happen to be the same. It is the fact that Indian marriages are the union of two families and not just two individuals. While it is beautiful, it is just as chaotic as it sounds. Add to that, getting used to managing a house and spending half the day by yourself, when you're accustomed only to noise. The first month of marriage was already seeming difficult. Then I started school. The heavy workload on top of all the other new things in my life, and I stumbled. Badly. That stumble was what taught me my first lesson in marriage. That you marry so that one person doesn't have to take it all on themselves. You have another person, exclusively to yourself, to lean on. There have been stumbles along the way and each time has taught me something new. The most important of which is to share. In a marriage, what people often forget is that neither person can read minds. If you don't share with your spouse, they can't possibly know what you're thinking of and how you're feeling. If you don't share with each other, you won't know how one person's actions make the other feel. You also can't expect your spouse to help you if you don't share your thoughts with them. This was a lot easier for my husband than for me and along the way, I have realized multiple times how important it is to share with each other. Equally important is to realize that anything you put into a marriage is multiplied manifold. The more love and understanding and effort and respect and support and patience you put into a marriage, the more you get. Similarly, the anger and frustration and irritation you put into a marriage will also be multiplied. Every day teaches me something new and and every lesson learnt is a step taken towards a successful marriage.
Four months is a relatively short period and I can't claim to be an expert in marriage yet. But over this course of time, I've realized that what they say is true. All marriages have their fair share of good, bad and ugly days. The most trivial of things can lead to the ugliest of fights and the most controversial of topics an be discussed without any issues. Without the bad and ugly days, we would never realize truly how beautiful the good days are. In spite of how hard a marriage can be, it can be much more comforting and supportive if you let it be. And the beauty of marriage, like everything else in life, lies in the little things. It is the late night drives on dark and empty highways; the lazy days that are completely spent on the couch eating home-delivered pizza and binge-watching movies; the impulsive trips to get ice-cream and then lament about the unwanted calorie consumption; both of us trying to find solutions to homework problems assigned to me; going bowling and trying to beat each other at it; cooking together and/or for each other; having snowball fights in the living room; listening and singing to mutually favorite songs together; him shaking his head watching me at my craziest; talking for hours without realizing the time passing by; and in all the little things we do together on a daily basis.
Like Shashi (the character played by Sri Devi) says in the movie English Vinglish, a marriage is about helping and encouraging each other. The success of any marriage relies greatly on combined effort. Being a roller coaster ride, it comes with its fair share of excitement. What is important is to stick together through all the ups and downs, to rely on each other, to learn to share the load with each other, and above all, to love, to respect, to be understanding, to forgive and to encourage. The bad and ugly days are all part of the package and will only make the marriage stronger, emerging out of those.
