A few days ago, pictures taken for an advertisement for the plus-size collection of a clothing brand popped up on my Facebook news feed. On seeing the women they had labeled as "plus-size", I was shocked! Those girls looked like every other girl. They were just not too skinny. Apparently, not skinny did translate to "plus size" . I was appalled at what these brands conveyed to be an ideal body size. Body shaming happens not just through conversations and magazine covers. It also happens in the plus-size sections of stores. And that is the most subtle expression of body shaming.
I had been a chubby kid growing up. The lifestyle in Saudi Arabia where chances of physical activity (especially for women) were low, introduction to high calorie junk foods and the medication I had been taking, for wheezing had all somehow contributed to a sudden weight gain. As an 8 year old girl, my weight, the size of my clothes or the chubbiness of my cheeks - none of those mattered to me. And then we went to India for the summer after 4th grade, the summer I turned 9 and that was when things changed quite a lot. I was told by pretty much everyone in my extended family I met that I was "fat". My cousins made fun of my weight every chance that they got. Every time I ate in front of them, they made a comment regarding my weight and how it had to be because of my food intake. I was also told how my outfits didn't look good on me because I was "fat". I had barely turned 9 at the time. I still vividly remember breaking down in front of my parents. I told them that I wanted to go back to Saudi. I'd had enough of the summer already. Now that I think about it, my cousins were all either my age or a few years older. They didn't know better than to act the way they did. I don't blame them anymore but that summer had wounded me and my confidence.
Every time I visited India for vacations, excited that I'd get to meet my grandparents and visit the places I grew up in, I always came back disappointed. In the trips to India that followed, I received unsolicited advice from relatives. People took the liberty to tell me how I was "fat" and didn't look good because I was "fat". That I should cut down on my food, and follow what their daughters did, so that I could be "slim" like their daughters.. This brought me to a point where if I knew we were having certain guests over, I'd stay in my bedroom until they left. Life in a small apartment in Saudi Arabia didn't leave much opportunity for physical activity and being in a high school following Indian curriculum meant having to choose between academics and sports, because apparently choosing one meant failing in the other. I still did what I could, and at every chance I had, I tried to cut down on my calorie intake. My best friends are witnesses to all the crazy things I did in order to (if not lose) at least avoid gaining weight. I had this phase where for about a year and a half, I only took fruits to school for lunch. It was monotonous and I was bored within a week but my parents and best friends made it so much easier on me.
When I moved to US for college, I had the opportunity for a lot of physical activity. Long walks in the campus, running to make it in time for the bus/train and guidance from my uncle on the kind of work-outs I could do, helped me reach a healthy body weight. My family helped me learn that every meal, every morsel of food need not make me feel guilty. I slowly started feeling good when I worked out. I started Taekwondo classes and that made me realize that I had a long way to go as far as fitness was concerned - I found even the warm-up exercises hard and sprained my ankle within the first 15 minutes of class. I came back home heart-broken. But, I went back to the classes and forced myself to outdo what I did the previous day. I can now effortlessly do those exercises (and a lot more) that I found so very difficult that first day. I've told myself that I will not judge my body or my fitness level or my self-worth based on the numbers on the scale or the size labels on my clothes. I've begun to teach myself to enjoy sweating it out and to feel energized after a rigorous work out session. I strive to run a little faster than I did the previous day, hold my planks for a few seconds longer and to make sure that my kicks are a little higher. I like being challenged to do something that was hard for me and I accepted that challenge. I feel relaxed after a good work out session and even though I become lazy and skip working out every now and then, I do find a way to re-gain that motivation. I'm far from being completely fit, but I'm making efforts to get there.
Sadly, the word "fat" still makes me nervous. I still feel unsure of myself and my body in the company of all those people who had something to say about my weight. But I'm working on all that. I've taught myself in all these years that "fat" is far from being the worst someone can be. As long as one discusses their weight with their doctor and is in a healthy weight range, being "fat" is alright. I've learnt that one looks good when they carry themselves with confidence and being "fat" or "skinny" doesn't matter there. If you've been body-shamed for being too "fat" or too "skinny", know that your health is what matters. Everything else is secondary. You don't need to gain or lose weight because others make you feel pressurized to do so. As long as you're healthy, gaining or losing weight should absolutely be your choice. Your self-worth is measured by what you're on the inside, not by the numbers on the scale.
I had been a chubby kid growing up. The lifestyle in Saudi Arabia where chances of physical activity (especially for women) were low, introduction to high calorie junk foods and the medication I had been taking, for wheezing had all somehow contributed to a sudden weight gain. As an 8 year old girl, my weight, the size of my clothes or the chubbiness of my cheeks - none of those mattered to me. And then we went to India for the summer after 4th grade, the summer I turned 9 and that was when things changed quite a lot. I was told by pretty much everyone in my extended family I met that I was "fat". My cousins made fun of my weight every chance that they got. Every time I ate in front of them, they made a comment regarding my weight and how it had to be because of my food intake. I was also told how my outfits didn't look good on me because I was "fat". I had barely turned 9 at the time. I still vividly remember breaking down in front of my parents. I told them that I wanted to go back to Saudi. I'd had enough of the summer already. Now that I think about it, my cousins were all either my age or a few years older. They didn't know better than to act the way they did. I don't blame them anymore but that summer had wounded me and my confidence.
Every time I visited India for vacations, excited that I'd get to meet my grandparents and visit the places I grew up in, I always came back disappointed. In the trips to India that followed, I received unsolicited advice from relatives. People took the liberty to tell me how I was "fat" and didn't look good because I was "fat". That I should cut down on my food, and follow what their daughters did, so that I could be "slim" like their daughters.. This brought me to a point where if I knew we were having certain guests over, I'd stay in my bedroom until they left. Life in a small apartment in Saudi Arabia didn't leave much opportunity for physical activity and being in a high school following Indian curriculum meant having to choose between academics and sports, because apparently choosing one meant failing in the other. I still did what I could, and at every chance I had, I tried to cut down on my calorie intake. My best friends are witnesses to all the crazy things I did in order to (if not lose) at least avoid gaining weight. I had this phase where for about a year and a half, I only took fruits to school for lunch. It was monotonous and I was bored within a week but my parents and best friends made it so much easier on me.
When I moved to US for college, I had the opportunity for a lot of physical activity. Long walks in the campus, running to make it in time for the bus/train and guidance from my uncle on the kind of work-outs I could do, helped me reach a healthy body weight. My family helped me learn that every meal, every morsel of food need not make me feel guilty. I slowly started feeling good when I worked out. I started Taekwondo classes and that made me realize that I had a long way to go as far as fitness was concerned - I found even the warm-up exercises hard and sprained my ankle within the first 15 minutes of class. I came back home heart-broken. But, I went back to the classes and forced myself to outdo what I did the previous day. I can now effortlessly do those exercises (and a lot more) that I found so very difficult that first day. I've told myself that I will not judge my body or my fitness level or my self-worth based on the numbers on the scale or the size labels on my clothes. I've begun to teach myself to enjoy sweating it out and to feel energized after a rigorous work out session. I strive to run a little faster than I did the previous day, hold my planks for a few seconds longer and to make sure that my kicks are a little higher. I like being challenged to do something that was hard for me and I accepted that challenge. I feel relaxed after a good work out session and even though I become lazy and skip working out every now and then, I do find a way to re-gain that motivation. I'm far from being completely fit, but I'm making efforts to get there.
Sadly, the word "fat" still makes me nervous. I still feel unsure of myself and my body in the company of all those people who had something to say about my weight. But I'm working on all that. I've taught myself in all these years that "fat" is far from being the worst someone can be. As long as one discusses their weight with their doctor and is in a healthy weight range, being "fat" is alright. I've learnt that one looks good when they carry themselves with confidence and being "fat" or "skinny" doesn't matter there. If you've been body-shamed for being too "fat" or too "skinny", know that your health is what matters. Everything else is secondary. You don't need to gain or lose weight because others make you feel pressurized to do so. As long as you're healthy, gaining or losing weight should absolutely be your choice. Your self-worth is measured by what you're on the inside, not by the numbers on the scale.
