My Indian Wedding (Last Part)

For how much time goes into preparing a bride for her wedding and for the initial few days of meeting new people on her husband's side of the family, no one really prepares a girl for her first or so year of being a bride. Certainly no one prepared me for my "grad school wife life". I would forever ask myself if starting grad school within a month of getting married and moving in with the husband was a good idea. To say that the last 4 months have been an absolute roller coaster ride would be a gross understatement. While I was navigating the unfamiliarity of being a wife and living with just one other person, I had also gone back to school after a break of 31 months to start on a competitive graduate program. These last four months have been a whirlwind of everything and for days, had me caught up in the fear of missing the beautiful moments that are unique to the initial few months of marriage, amidst all the chaos.

What the best and the worst part of an Indian marriage are, happen to be the same. It is the fact that Indian marriages are the union of two families and not just two individuals. While it is beautiful, it is just as chaotic as it sounds. Add to that, getting used to managing a house and spending half the day by yourself, when you're accustomed only to noise. The first month of marriage was already seeming difficult. Then I started school. The heavy workload on top of all the other new things in my life, and I stumbled. Badly. That stumble was what taught me my first lesson in marriage. That you marry so that one person doesn't have to take it all on themselves. You have another person, exclusively to yourself, to lean on. There have been stumbles along the way and each time has taught me something new. The most important of which is to share. In a marriage, what people often forget is that neither person can read minds. If you don't share with your spouse, they can't possibly know what you're thinking of and how you're feeling. If you don't share with each other, you won't know how one person's actions make the other feel. You also can't expect your spouse to help you if you don't share your thoughts with them. This was a lot easier for my husband than for me and along the way, I have realized multiple times how important it is to share with each other. Equally important is to realize that anything you put into a marriage is multiplied manifold. The more love and understanding and effort and respect and support and patience you put into a marriage, the more you get. Similarly, the anger and frustration and irritation you put into a marriage will also be multiplied. Every day teaches me something new and and every lesson learnt is a step taken towards a successful marriage.

Four months is a relatively short period and I can't claim to be an expert in marriage yet. But over this course of time, I've realized that what they say is true. All marriages have their fair share of good, bad and ugly days. The most trivial of things can lead to the ugliest of fights and the most controversial of topics an be discussed without any issues. Without the bad and ugly days, we would never realize truly how beautiful the good days are. In spite of how hard a marriage can be, it can be much more comforting and supportive if you let it be. And the beauty of marriage, like everything else in life, lies in the little things. It is the late night drives on dark and empty highways; the lazy days that are completely spent on the couch eating home-delivered pizza and binge-watching movies; the impulsive trips to get ice-cream and then lament about the unwanted calorie consumption; both of us trying to find solutions to homework problems assigned to me; going bowling and trying to beat each other at it; cooking together and/or for each other; having snowball fights in the living room; listening and singing to mutually favorite songs together; him shaking his head watching me at my craziest; talking for hours without realizing the time passing by; and in all the little things we do together on a daily basis.

Like Shashi (the character played by Sri Devi) says in the movie English Vinglish, a marriage is about helping and encouraging each other. The success of any marriage relies greatly on combined effort. Being a roller coaster ride, it comes with its fair share of excitement. What is important is to stick together through all the ups and downs, to rely on each other, to learn to share the load with each other, and above all, to love, to respect, to be understanding, to forgive and to encourage. The bad and ugly days are all part of the package and will only make the marriage stronger, emerging out of those.

My Indian Wedding (Part II)

The day of my wedding had been everything I dreamt of and nothing like I imagined. For the amount of time and effort and money that goes into planning and organizing a wedding, time seems to speed up on the day. I have spent the last two weeks examining every single picture taken at my wedding. I see myself smiling and laughing and in conversation and making all sorts of faces. Yet, I can't seem to associate many of these pictures to any of my memories. I can only remember the excitement and anticipation.

I vaguely remember the night before the wedding. It was close to midnight by the time my family and I returned home after a pre-wedding function. I remember not wanting to change out of my beautiful off white and pastel orange outfit or undo the elaborate bun my hair had been tied into. I remember people running up and down looking for clothes or jewelry or accessories they'd planned to wear to the wedding. I also remember seeing everyone wide awake at 1 in the morning, crossing off things on the to-do list. Somewhere deep inside my head, I also remember my mom looking for her phone. I barely slept for 4 hours. My last night's sleep as an unmarried woman was short and uneventful. I don't even remember anything from the first two hours of the morning of my wedding. I was woken up at 6 and sent to take a quick shower so that I'd be on time for the beautician who decided to show up early. There was only one thing on my mind - to shampoo my hair thrice, as per the beautician's instructions. I cheated and stopped after the second time. I enjoyed the dressing up part though, every moment of which is vivid in my memories. I had the red silk saree and jewelry of my dreams. I let the beautician get my face camera-ready and then tie my hair in a braid. I let her pin long strings of jasmine flowers onto the braid and then apply my favorite red lipstick on my lips, completing the look I had always hoped to achieve on my wedding day. Sometime before the lipstick, I remember being forced to drink a cup of warm milk and then my friend gave me a tiny Twix bar to calm down the nerves. Once the makeup and hair were in place, it was the jewelry's turn. My mom put a gorgeous choker around my neck, other pieces of jewelry followed and I watched myself being transformed into a bride. I would always try to imagine myself in bridal attire for years before my wedding, and watching that transformation happen is a truly surreal experience - one that would always be engraved in my mind. Makeup and photo sessions later, I suddenly found myself at the wedding hall, eyes following me as I walked to the stage, slightly nervous, extremely excited.

While I waited for my husband to arrive, I had ample time to catch up with friends I hadn't met in years and also to pose for a thousand pictures. I was nervous about a permanent artificial smile being plastered onto my face since I had been constantly posing for pictures. At one point the photographers told me not to look like I was being forced to smile. Hmph! Try posing for pictures for hours at a time. I enjoyed exclusive attention for about a couple of hours. As soon as word got out that the bride groom had arrived, my entire family, closest friends and cousins, the photographers who were making me hold props from the stage decor for pictures and all of my bridesmaids disappeared in a flash. I was left alone on the stage without any instructions or expert advice. What if I made a total fool of myself infront of a 1500 people? My little 9 year old cousin felt sorry for me, came up the stage and offered me some of his popcorn. Since my nervousness was beyond anything I could handle, I thought I might as well eat some popcorn. He and I patiently waited on the stage as my husband walked into the hall, followed by almost all the people at the wedding that I recognized, and surrounded by all the photographers. He was made to take one step at a time so that every step is captured in pictures and with every step, I became more of a nervous mess, unsure of how to while away time till he reaches the stage and how long I can look at him without making the gaze inappropriately long for an Indian bride, trying to decipher what color tie my husband finally decided to wear, while also keeping an eye at the guests. I don't think anyone cared about how long my gaze was, since they were all craning their heads to take a good look at the bride groom. The half minute that followed the bride groom party's arrival the stage were the longest half minute of my life. I remember looking at the wedding contract, my right hand and the pen I was holding in it shaking. I took a deep breath and signed on it. And it was done.

As my dad brought my husband forth to the place I was standing at and we were surrounded by family members taking pictures and feeding us sweets and conduct the ceremonies afterwards, I was still trying to come to terms with the fact that I was now married. I had a wide smile plastered onto my face, expressing my excitement and happiness and relief, while also masking the disbelief I was experiencing. Everything afterwards is a blur - a vibrant and happy blur, but a blur nevertheless. We were congratulated by a lot of people, most of whom we did not recognize. But, it was an absolute blessing to have had so many people turn up for us. As we moved on to lunch and posing for pictures together, reality began to hit; that the last couple of hours we spent at each other's side, without stepping away for a minute, was actually a metaphor for how marriage should be and how we should take life forward once we left that wedding hall. The relief on my husband's face mirrored mine. We were beyond relieved to have made it. Post-wedding is a whole different story. But we left that hall by each other's side, hoping for and starting on our happily ever after.

My Indian Wedding (Part I)

Getting married is a huge life change. After almost an entire month of being married, today is the first time I’ve felt even remotely like my pre-wedding self. My wedding has been life altering for me and life has altered in the most remarkable ways. But after having experienced my Indian wedding, I have come to define the word “chaos” in different ways. What happens in an Indian household getting ready for a wedding is its own kind of chaos. I was completely oblivious to this chaos until I landed in India, about 25 days before the big day. The moment I saw the house, I knew it was going to be a homecoming like no other.

I was home after 2.5 years and I was home as a bride. Apart from the bridal treatment which included a pre-breakfast of eggs and plantain, breakfast, pomegranate juice at 11 am, liberty to sleep whenever I wanted to, lunch, post lunch vegetable soup, tea, fruits and dinner; there was also a lot of shopping to look forward to. I received the most pampering for the first time since I was a baby and it was truly a vacation. That lasted for about a week. As we neared the wedding, the tension in the air was also reaching its peak. People were losing their tempers at the drop of a pin and my mom and aunt were looking for ways to make the days longer than 24 hours. I tried to retreat to a corner of the house and become invisible, but the flaring tempers spared no one. An Indian parent (or responsible adult in the family) at a child’s wedding, is usually at their multitasking best and also in the most stress they’ll ever be in. It’s fun to watch from a distance. Only from a distance. With inviting over a 1000 people, never ending shopping, dealing with caterers, decorators, arranging transportation and stay for the guests, and trying to and finally giving up on pacifying angry relatives complaining about a non-issue, you’ll get to see them deal with it all.

But my pre-wedding days were also some that I will cherish for the entirety of my life because of the time I got to spend with close family and friends. My mom and I had always wanted my wedding to be an occasion for the entire extended family to get together and spend a lot of time together; and it was exactly that! We had about 4-5 days before the wedding when the house was packed with people - laughing and eating and bonding. I met cousins that I hadn’t had the opportunity to spend time with in years! I had a huge group of girls (and my brothers) that made sure I looked good, ate well, laughed enough, kept my sanity, found some peace and quiet in the house to make phone calls to my fiancé (now husband), and walked into marriage without too much nervousness on this huge life change. I was, like every bride, extremely nervous, but at the same time, felt immensely blessed. There were too many blessings in those days to count. But there was a special blessing, an extremely special one.

My cousin Shahnaz (who can single handedly take 33% of the credit for me keeping my sanity amidst all the chaos) had come over with her little boys Yahya, 4 and five month old Dawud (also known as, my little Dodo). What her little boys did to add life and cheer and laughter into my pre wedding days, no one else could have! I was meeting little Dodo for the first time and this little boy was my companion as I shopped for my wedding. His love for bright colors and his charming smile made wedding shopping a win-win for us both. He was there through it all - shopping, pre wedding functions, wedding, post wedding, all of it! Holding him and playing with him and talking to him not only helped me disappear from the chaotic action, but also calmed me down in a way only a baby’s laughter could. While Yahya was getting everyone excited by running around and sharing his excitement at his aunt’s wedding, Dodo stayed with me and became my personal ray of sunshine! Having always been a person that loved to spend time with little children, I could not have wished for any better time to bond with my nephews. 

The other 67% of the credit for me keeping my sanity through it all, having every bit of fun and looking like the bride I’ve always wanted to look like, goes to a team of young people aged anywhere between 10-25. My maid of honor who could give Monica of F.R.I.E.N.D.S serious competition, my little sister who is also my own ray of sunshine and laughter, all my bridesmaids (including my friend of 15 years, Wardah who was with me through all of it, providing the kind of comfort and support only a close friend could) and my brothers that were put through an insane amount of work during those days.

The days preceding my wedding were their own kind of special - packed with abundant blessings! I have always believed that the best kind of blessings are the people in our lives and my pre wedding days were truly special because of the time I spent in the company of people I so loved. My family and friends not only made sure that I had the wedding of my dreams but they also made the process so memorable. They had all - parents, siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends; taken off from work and school and their regular lives and took on this huge project of making sure my wedding was all that I had dreamt of. They made sure I had their company when I most wished for and needed it and that has been the truest blessing! 

Standardized tests and lessons learned

Twenty six months and twelve days after the last time I sat for an examination, I had to take the GRE (Graduate Record Examination) today. The last time I took an exam, it was 24 hours before college graduation, for the class that was at the very bottom on my list of my priorities that semester. So, I don't remember studying or even caring about the outcome of that Geology 101 final. As far as I was concerned, I was done with all the finals for my major classes and was getting a degree the next day. Geology 101 was the very last thing on my mind. On that day, in the lecture hall where I took my exam, I was staring at the Scantron paper while planning out my graduation cap decorations and the perfect hijab to go with the gorgeous gown I'd picked out for my grad walk! I hardly knew that the next exam I'd take would be two years later or that it'd be an incredibly tiring, yet highly important standardized test. The experience I had while preparing for the GRE was quite different from experiences I've had with exams before and it'd be unfair to let that experience go undocumented. So here is a list of things I observed and learned while preparing for and taking the GRE:

1. You might think that spending a mere three days preparing for the SAT would've taught me never to repeat that. But seven years later, I found myself making the same mistakes.
2. The day after I registered for the test, way back in May, I started "studying" and gathering study materials. These study materials however, disappeared only to reappear two days before I was due to take the test.
3. I found myself drawing a blank while revisiting certain Math concepts for the test, that I'm pretty sure I'd spent hours studying while in college. Only after the test today, I remembered that I minored in Math while at college. I don't even know how to feel about that.
4. A major part of the GRE is vocabulary study and knowing how to use them in sentences. I had no idea that the English language had about 20 different words that meant the same.
5. Talking about vocab study, if I had studied for finals in college this efficiently, I'd have graduated with a 4.0 GPA.
6. I spent days staring at a list of 800 words that appeared most frequently in GRE tests and tricked myself into believing that I was actually learning those words. 
7. Finally, I realized I needed serious help. So my younger brother and sister were pulled into the prep team. We realized that learning (don't ask me how effectively) 817 words in a day is quite possible if you let your siblings make jokes about the words, correlate every other word to Harry Potter (that is how I passed every History test I took, ever) and let your fiance quiz you. We made a pretty good team.
8. In spite of having a good 60 days to prepare, the studying gets done only in the last weekend before the test and two after work evenings.
9. Studying while at work is quite possible and pretty efficient too. I found myself running to the car to solve a few practice tests, run back to my desk and repeat the above two steps multiple times a day. I must confess that I did get a lot of studying and work done that way! 
10. You can trick yourself into believing that you'll get a good 7 hours of sleep the night before the test, but then you find yourself staring at the clock multiple times that night - at 1:18, 3:20, 4:32.
11. If you have a strong gut feeling about wearing your eyeliner boldly the morning of the test, listen to that gut feeling. I found myself in front of the bathroom mirror, applying eyeliner at 5:30 in the morning, wondering what I was doing. Then I realized that it's best to not ask questions that can't be answered.
12. The best breakfast on test day? Little sister's chocolate waffles (with additional chocolate sauce because life is better with chocolate sauce for breakfast) and a huge cup of strong, bitter coffee. Trust me, it works wonders!
13. Lesson learned - While appearing for standardized tests, make sure the hijab isn't tied too tightly or else it gets supremely awkward trying to lift it on either side so that the proctor can make sure that you have no listening devices on your ears. It's best to avoid looking at the proctors at this time since they're trying hard to not look at your struggle with your headscarf and looking at them would just make the situation embarrassing for everyone.
14. I never thought I'd say this about myself but I had to use ear muffs during the test because I found the sound of other people's keyboards, annoying. For a self-confessed "I can't do without any noise" person, this was quite a revelation about myself. Oh and by the way, if you have a helix ear piercing, ear muffs can be quite uncomfortable (important lesson that I learned today).
15. When you hear people talking about a 9 hour long exam that will require them to stay at the testing center from 7 in the morning to 4 in the evening, it is perfectly okay to stop worrying about your own exam for a moment and ask them what test they're taking. This kind of half information will bug you for hours!
16. Four hour long exams can be a pain and not so much fun! But they are timed and one must remember not to get distracted by their engagement ring, or the pretty colored pencil on the table or the cover of their passport.
17. Another lesson learned - wait for a good half hour or so to get the excitement and giddy relief out of your head before you start driving! You deserve that half hour of rest after going through this kind of an experience.
18. Finally, when the brain furiously protests against sleeping at the end of the most tiring day in forever and insists on writing, one shouldn't give in too easily.

The taste of home

On 5th October 2000, my mom and I traveled by air for the first time ever, leaving behind Nagercoil, a beautiful little town in the south of India and landed in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, a city on the west coast of the country which also happens to be the fourth largest city in all of the Arab world. As I looked down through the windows on the plane shortly before landing, my heart sank at the sight of the city surrounded by the dusty, dry desert below. Things did not change much once we left the airport. For a 6 year old me, the fear of getting used to an entirely new country and unfamiliar faces, was growing by the minute. In spite of the growing fear, I was drinking in the sights of the city outside the car window - the tall buildings, the flyovers, the signboards in Arabic, the lights that were being turned on as it grew darker and the absence of greenery. I didn't anticipate it then but in the years to come, that unfamiliar city became more beloved to me than any other place; it became the city that still holds some of my most precious memories; it became the city that watched me grow up and become my own person; it became home. But, on that day and in the couple of years that followed, I was still coming to terms with accepting this place as my new home. However, what I immediately liked about Jeddah, was Al Baik.

For the first half of the year after we moved to Jeddah, one of my dad's closest friends, his wife and their little daughter were the ones who showed me around the city and helped me feel comfortable there. I have spent hours in their car, listening to them share stories about the places we drove by. During one such car ride, I pointed to the store with a bright sign - red in the background and yellow letters that spelled "Al Baik" in Arabic and English, a sign I had seen in multiple places around the city and asked "What is this place? And why is it always so crowded?". That is when they introduced me to what went on to become an integral part of my growing up years (believe me, I'm not exaggerating)!

Al Baik, dear readers, sold the most amazing broasted chicken you would find anywhere in the world (and I say this with absolute conviction). The golden brown chicken with a crispy crust (that can be eaten all by itself) and tender meat beneath, accompanied by fries that taste different from fries I've had before or since, sesame topped bun and garlic sauce, was the meal of choice for most residents of Jeddah. The broasted chicken and garlic sauce form a pair that could only be described as a match made in heaven (I usually stay away from cliches, but there's no other way to explain the perfect combination of Al Baik chicken and garlic sauce). In the year 2000, Al Baik came in two sizes - 4 pieces and 8 pieces of chicken (with accompaniments), sold for SAR 10 (about $3) and SAR 20 (about $6) respectively. The quantity, quality, taste and affordability of Al Baik made it the national (or its equivalent for a city) food of Jeddah. The first time I went to a branch of Al Baik with my dad, I found the place packed with people, and even though I didn't realize it then, extremely efficient staff! With Al Baik, it always is love at first bite!

In the years to come, the franchise expanded. They opened new branches in other western Saudi cities and added to their menu - chicken nuggets, chicken nugget sandwiches, broasted shrimp and a variety of accompaniments. But the taste remained constant and so did the quality. Al Baik has been part of celebrations throughout my 11 years in Jeddah. The most memorable of them are the yearly parties we had in our school bus. We'd collect money from every kid in the bus and pass them on to the bus driver with a list of items to buy. Later in the afternoon, right before he leaves for the school to come pick us up, he'd stop by at a nearby Al Baik and buy the items on the list (usually sandwiches). Us older kids in the bus would leave from class early that afternoon, rush to the bus and make sure that everyone got their food and that we had a concrete plan to have the party be as mess free as possible and to leave the bus as clean as it was that morning. We'd then spend the rest of the bus ride talking, singing and enjoying the food. Similarly, Al Baik has been a part of many, many memories from my time in Jeddah. It was what we ate on arrival in Jeddah after long and tiring flights, when we were famished after performing Umrah (a pilgrimage to Makkah, that can be undertaken at any time of the year), when unexpected guests arrived and when family and friends visited Jeddah for the first time.

It has been six years since I moved away from Jeddah. But every time I visit, on my list of things I'm excited for, Al Baik comes second only to meeting family. My dad makes sure to buy Al Baik for dinner on the day of my arrival and even 17 years later, the taste hasn't changed a bit! After spending all these years away from Jeddah, the taste of Al Baik always manages to bring back a sense of familiarity, comfort and nostalgia!

The Day Before Thanksgiving

Two years ago, after a certain difficult and overloaded semester in college which managed to teach me more life lessons in 3 months than the 21 years that preceded, I told myself that I would not let myself be carried away by the overwhelming speed of the fast paced lives we live. I'd told myself that irrespective of the deadlines and meetings and paperwork and the hundreds of other things on my checklist, I would always find time to sit back, take a deep breath, not worry too much, deal with situations calmly and just appreciate life for what it is - a constellation of blessings! However, forgetfulness and the sheer amount of work it takes for someone to drastically change their outlook towards life, made sure that I never quite reached the goal I set for myself. Then came that highly eventful Thanksgiving break.

Thanksgiving happens to be one of my favorite weekends of the year. I like telling myself that I enjoy the holiday because it is associated with spending time with family and being grateful. But I know very well that it is because of black Friday sales and the fact that Thanksgiving break indicates that December is right around the corner, and December just means "a month of too many days off". So last year, on the day before Thanksgiving, I had set out to work early in the morning. I thought the holiday crowd would either have left the day before or that they would get on the road later that day. I'd assumed that the roads would be free that morning. I'd be at work by 8, finish off everything by 2 and leave before holiday travelers hit the road, thus outsmarting the traffic forces that made life hard for me everyday. Win-win! I was so proud of myself. Two hours later, I found myself stuck in the worst traffic jam I'd ever encountered in my last 2.5 years of driving, taking pictures using every Snapchat filter available that day, trying to smile despite the frustration that was building up. As I waited "patiently" for the traffic to disperse, the upcoming holidays still managing to keep my mood cheerful, I'd forgotten to check the car's fuel levels. I'd made calls to home and work, letting everyone know my status and then sang along to the songs playing on the radio.

The traffic cleared in a while and I was on my way, about 10 minutes away from office when I happened to notice that the fuel levels showed 0 miles remaining. That was my cue to panic and pray that I had enough fuel to reach office and I could refuel the car afterwards. But that was not meant to be and the car started shuddering weirdly in a couple of minutes. So I parked on the shoulder, along the highway, called my insurance company and asked them to send someone with a few gallons of fuel. They took about half an hour to set up the process and told me I'd have to wait 30 minutes before their guy arrives with the fuel. So I waited, on the side of a busy highway that I've never driven slowly on. The fuel guy took an entire hour. I waited there while all the cars sped by on the road. My only choice was to deal with the situation calmly. I was waiting inside a car on the side of a busy highway and panicking in that situation was not an option at all. Since there was nothing else that I could do, the silence and stillness of the situation made me realize the metaphorical implication of that situation.

The highway I parked along, happened to be my favorite stretch of my daily commute. The direction I drove along was against traffic and hence the drive had always been smooth and quick. That day, as I waited there for well over an hour, I saw people that were speeding by, on their way to work or to run an errand or to visit family for the holidays or for last minute shopping. As I watched all this happen, I realized that I was in such a hurry to get to work that morning but in spite of all that planning, God had His own plans and had meant for me to really just stop for a moment and breathe. While I waited, I found myself actually noticing the words to the songs that played on the radio, watching the tiny movements that the tree branches made in the soft breeze blowing that day, hearing the strong gush of wind as the cars sped by, observing the way the bright sunlight reflected off of the metallic panels in the building nearby; and all the other little things that get lost in the rush of the day. In spite of how inconvenient that morning had turned out to be, I found myself really enjoying that break - from work, chores and pretty much every distraction. At the end of the day when I got home and found the entire family worried about how my morning turned out, I looked back at the day and smiled at how relaxing that one hour was.

It was on that day that I realized how rewarding it is to take a break from our daily rush and worries and panic attacks. That morning managed to accomplish what I had been trying to, for over a year. It helped me calm down, learn to manage situations without panicking and just appreciate the little things we often fail to notice. A wise (and unlike me, calm) person once told me, "Life is 10% what happens and 90% how you deal with whatever happens". It was that morning that really changed the way I dealt with things that came my way.

The Numbers on the Scale and Self-worth

A few days ago, pictures taken for an advertisement for the plus-size collection of a clothing brand popped up on my Facebook news feed. On seeing the women they had labeled as "plus-size", I was shocked! Those girls looked like every other girl. They were just not too skinny. Apparently, not skinny did translate to "plus size" . I was appalled at what these brands conveyed to be an ideal body size. Body shaming happens not just through conversations and magazine covers. It also happens in the plus-size sections of stores. And that is the most subtle expression of body shaming.

I had been a chubby kid growing up. The lifestyle in Saudi Arabia where chances of physical activity (especially for women) were low, introduction to high calorie junk foods and the medication I had been taking, for wheezing had all somehow contributed to a sudden weight gain. As an 8 year old girl, my weight, the size of my clothes or the chubbiness of my cheeks - none of those mattered to me. And then we went to India for the summer after 4th grade, the summer I turned 9 and that was when things changed quite a lot. I was told by pretty much everyone in my extended family I met that I was "fat". My cousins made fun of my weight every chance that they got. Every time I ate in front of them, they made a comment regarding my weight and how it had to be because of my food intake. I was also told how my outfits didn't look good on me because I was "fat". I had barely turned 9 at the time. I still vividly remember breaking down in front of my parents. I told them that I wanted to go back to Saudi. I'd had enough of the summer already. Now that I think about it, my cousins were all either my age or a few years older. They didn't know better than to act the way they did. I don't blame them anymore but that summer had wounded me and my confidence.

Every time I visited India for vacations, excited that I'd get to meet my grandparents and visit the places I grew up in, I always came back disappointed. In the trips to India that followed, I received unsolicited advice from relatives. People took the liberty to tell me how I was "fat" and didn't look good because I was "fat". That I should cut down on my food, and follow what their daughters did, so that I could be "slim" like their daughters.. This brought me to a point where if I knew we were having certain guests over, I'd stay in my bedroom until they left.  Life in a small apartment in Saudi Arabia didn't leave much opportunity for physical activity and being in a high school following Indian curriculum meant having to choose between academics and sports, because apparently choosing one meant failing in the other. I still did what I could, and at every chance I had, I tried to cut down on my calorie intake. My best friends are witnesses to all the crazy things I did in order to (if not lose) at least avoid gaining weight. I had this phase where for about a year and a half, I only took fruits to school for lunch. It was monotonous and I was bored within a week but my parents and best friends made it so much easier on me.

When I moved to US for college, I had the opportunity for a lot of physical activity. Long walks in the campus, running to make it in time for the bus/train and guidance from my uncle on the kind of work-outs I could do, helped me reach a healthy body weight. My family helped me learn that every meal, every morsel of food need not make me feel guilty. I slowly started feeling good when I worked out. I started Taekwondo classes and that made me realize that I had a long way to go as far as fitness was concerned - I found even the warm-up exercises hard and sprained my ankle within the first 15 minutes of class. I came back home heart-broken. But, I went back to the classes and forced myself to outdo what I did the previous day. I can now effortlessly do those exercises (and a lot more) that I found so very difficult that first day. I've told myself that I will not judge my body or my fitness level or my self-worth based on the numbers on the scale or the size labels on my clothes. I've begun to teach myself to enjoy sweating it out and to feel energized after a rigorous work out session. I strive to run a little faster than I did the previous day, hold my planks for a few seconds longer and to make sure that my kicks are a little higher. I like being challenged to do something that was hard for me and I accepted that challenge. I feel relaxed after a good work out session and even though I become lazy and skip working out every now and then, I do find a way to re-gain that motivation. I'm far from being completely fit, but I'm making efforts to get there.

Sadly, the word "fat" still makes me nervous. I still feel unsure of myself and my body in the company of all those people who had something to say about my weight. But I'm working on all that. I've taught myself in all these years that "fat" is far from being the worst someone can be. As long as one discusses their weight with their doctor and is in a healthy weight range, being "fat" is alright. I've learnt that one looks good when they carry themselves with confidence and being "fat" or "skinny" doesn't matter there. If you've been body-shamed for being too "fat" or too "skinny", know that your health is what matters. Everything else is secondary. You don't need to gain or lose weight because others make you feel pressurized to do so. As long as you're healthy, gaining or losing weight should absolutely be your choice. Your self-worth is measured by what you're on the inside, not by the numbers on the scale.