"Okay? Okay."

One really needs to read a good book to experience what it feels like. It is an experience that can't really be put into words. It's mostly bittersweet, the joy of having read something so alive and the heartache that accompanies the end of a good journey. There are some books, after reading, which the bittersweet feeling lingers on for days. I read one such book a few weeks ago. As soon as I started reading, the story absorbed me into its world and to be honest, I still don't seem to have left it. It was simple yet intricate, realistic (well, semi-realistic) yet in a way unreal, extremely heart-wrenching, yet heart-warming at the same time. This book was special to me not just because of the story, characters or narration but also for the language used. The lines and dialogues mentioned in the book are metaphoric, expressive and thought-provoking, all at the same time. Since I am totally obsessing over this book, I thought of sharing some of my favorite things about the book with you all. Who knows? It might inspire some of you to go ahead and read the book. Now would be the best time to mention that I don't mean for this to be a book review, it's just my thoughts on what the book means to me. I'm sure I've created enough suspense around the book itself. Time to reveal the secret! The book I'm talking about is "The Fault in our Stars" by John Green. (Cue excited squeals.)

The Fault In Our Stars was suggested to me by a couple of people. All they told me about the book was that it is a love story about two teenagers who have been diagnosed with cancer. That was all I needed to hear. The word 'cancer' put me off and gave me all sorts of doubts as to whether I wanted to read the book or not. However, the popularity of the book intrigued me. It was displayed all over, at every bookstore I visited in the last 6 months and had a 150 holds on it at my nearest public library. I finally gave in to my curiosity and bought the book last month. As we were about to go pay for the book, a girl walked up to us and said, "This is a beautiful story. It'll make you laugh and cry at the same time. I'm so happy that you're buying it!" I realized why she was so excited when I finished reading the book two days later. TFIOS is indeed a love story about two teenagers who've gone through cancer. It definitely talks about sickness, death, despair, grief and everything depressing. Yet, there wasn't one sentence in the book that made me feel depressed. It was a beautiful story, told beautifully about the harsh realities of a disease as deadly as cancer, the hardships that families of cancer patients go through, how life never comes to a standstill in spite of sickness and the beauty of little moments in life that seem to last as long as forever.

One of my favorite things about the book were the dialogues and the metaphors. Oh, the metaphors! They were brilliantly placed in the story, like little stars in the night sky, that formed constellations when you finally realized the depth of their metaphorical meanings and gave a little "Oh!" of surprise. Here are one of my favorite lines from the book; "There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities." This line can be pretty confusing when you don't read it in the context of the book, but what it conveys is that some moments in life are not measured by the time spent, but in how that time is spent. Some moments in life seem to last forever. They are infinities, and some infinities are definitely bigger than others. The book conveys a very strong message about cherishing those infinities and being thankful for them. Another line from the book that really caught my attention was "The world is not a wish granting factory." How true is that? Of course we are all aware of the fact and secretly wish that it were not true. However, most books written for teenagers do a pretty good job of convincing the readers that wishes do come true if you truly want them or work for them or something of the sort. What I loved about this book was its efficiency in conveying to its readers that the world is not a wish granting factory, while also showing us how to live life to its fullest even when all our wishes might not come true.

This book is full of such witty, well-thought out, metaphoric lines. Some of my other favorites are, "The thing about pain is that it demands to be felt.", "I fell in love with him the way you fall asleep, slowly and then all at once.", "My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.", “You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices." and “You do not immortalize the lost by writing about them. Language buries, but does not resurrect.” I could probably go on and on about this book, but I think I'll stop here. I wouldn't say that I read a lot, but I read a good decent number of books every month. I usually like books for their story, setting and characters. I'm not someone who is really particular about the language in books but sometimes when a good story is accompanied by amateur writing, it can put me off. However, for the first time, I've fallen in love with the writing itself. The only complaint I have about the book is that the characters appeared to be a bit 'too mature' for their age. I had a hard time believing that the characters were young adults themselves and that is why I said the book was semi-realistic.

There is a line in the book that seems to sum up the thoughts I have right now:

Yes, that is how I feel about this book. I wrote this blog post to share my love for the book with the readers, hoping that at least one of you will be inspired to read the book through this post. I'd love to hear what you thought about The Fault In Our Stars as well. I believe that sharing an amazing story is just as precious as sharing love, ideas or something that you hold dear to you and this is just the kind of book that must be shared.

P.S - My sister made the first picture for me on "Paper by 53". Check out the app, it's amazing!

The second picture is from www.betweenthelines.com.au

An everlasting gift - kindness

It's been a long time since my last published post. I say "published" because quite a few drafts have accumulated since then. A couple of them were almost published and for reasons still unknown to me, I decided to keep them safe in the drafts folder. Meanwhile, school work has also been piling up and I was forced to take a break from blogging. However, a small act of kindness that I witnessed a couple of weeks ago just had to be blogged about. I've been wanting to blog about little acts of kindness for a long time now. After that incident, I thought "why not now?". We humans have this tendency to focus on and make a big deal out of mishaps and unfortunate incidents, however trivial they might be. Why don't we have the same attitude towards all the positive things that happen? So I decided to write down this blog post as a celebration of kindness. I'd love to hear about little acts of kindness that have inspired you as well! Do drop them in as comments.

The inspiration behind this post came about a couple of weekends ago. I was at Washington D.C with my family at the National Cherry Blossom Festival. The blossoms were in full bloom that weekend and so was the crowd. A friend, my sister and I were at a highly-crowded public restroom. We were standing by the sinks when my sister pricked her finger (she claims the pin attacked her) and it started bleeding. None of us had first aid and we were trying to make do with paper napkins when a woman standing nearby by noticed us. She told us that she had a first aid kit. Being tourists, most people were in a hurry to leave. In spite of that, she took the time out to "hunt" for the first aid kit in her bag. She gave my sister a band-aid and left with a smile. We were all surprised at the little show of kindness from a total stranger. That incident left us feeling warm and happy.

When you think about it, a stranger being kind to you brings more joy than the same gesture from a person you know. An expression of kindness from someone you know isn't extraordinary. Yet, the same expression from someone who has never met you or known you, is definitely special. Over the past couple of years, I've made it a point to make note of every instance of kindness expressed by a stranger. Keeping them in mind reminds me to pass on that act and that spirit. Last year in December, I was at the metro before sunrise one cold Monday morning on the way to an early morning exam. On reaching the metro I realized that the next train would leave a little too late for me to get to my exam on time. I had two exams that day; I knew that reaching late for a final exam would be extremely unfortunate and that worry probably showed on my face. I was standing there worried when a complete stranger walked over to me and told me in the nicest, most grandfatherly way that another train would leave in a few minutes and that I need not worry. I would still have gotten on the train that the stranger mentioned even if he hadn't told me about it. Yet, that gesture of kindness lit up my whole day. I just breezed through both exams that day! A few months before this incident, a group of really nice people at the public library found me my lost text book when I'd given up hopes of finding it (story here). The thing about kind gestures is that they're not only capable of brightening up your day or bringing about joy, but they're also contagious. They make you want to pass that kindness on.

Now, here's an act of kindness from a complete stranger that has been bringing smiles to my face for the last four years every time I think of it. I had participated in a city-wide inter school talent competition when I was in the 12th grade. One of the stages of the competition involved an elocution competition where we had less than 30 minutes to prepare a speech on a random topic and speak in front of an audience. It was definitely nerve wrecking yet I felt quite confident when I started speaking. The audience included my mom, friends and teachers, all of whom later told me that I did well. But right before we left the venue, a woman I've never seen before walked up to me and told me that I spoke really well. Of all the compliments I received that day, that woman's words were the most memorable, just as memorable as the prize I won for that speech!

Over the years, what I've learned about "gestures of kindness towards strangers" is that everyone is going through their own set of ups and downs in their lives. Sometimes neither their faces nor their actions can give you hints about what they're going through. Yet, a small gesture from a stranger, a gesture as small as a smile can turn things around. All of us have those bad days, days when everything seems bleak. It is on those day when we desperately look around for something to cheer us up. It is on those days that we're in need of those smiles and kind words. When the bus driver you barely know, greets you with a "good morning", when the random stranger at the airport helps you with your super heavy luggage, when an unknown person in the audience walks up to you to tell you how good your performance was, your day just brightens up and a permanent smile is plastered on to your face. It is those seemingly little gestures that I cherish, appreciate and hope to pass on.

P.S - Do watch this beautiful video about kindness towards strangers!

Gadgets & Us; Then & Now

My 6-year old sister proudly says, "As soon as I wake up, I move my arm around looking for the nearest mobile phone and start playing on it." Every time she says that, I go back to my childhood and subconsciously compare the kind of childhood I had with the one she described. Those flashback visits have been pretty interesting as well, thinking of the days when we used cassettes instead of CD's, floppy disks instead of USB drives and the internet was.... well, it existed.

There is a page on facebook with a really interesting name that I don't seem to remember. However, it goes something like, "I've been in three decades, two millenia, seen America's first African American President being elected, blah, blah and I'm not even twenty yet!" That got me thinking about how much change my generation has witnessed. Those of us born in the 90's have experienced the soothing pace of life that existed before technology took over and we also grew up just in time to have fun with all that technology in our teens. Kids these days refer to the 90's as "the olden days" and that really gets you wondering if you are old too!

We had a computer at our place when I was 5. I don't even remember what we did on computers back then. But I thought it was really cool that we had a computer when most of my friends didn't. Coming to think of it, I don't even remember ever using it. That shouldn't be surprising since I don't even remember watching t.v. back then. It's weird because the kids these days talk about the first ever shows they watched regularly (which was probably when they were 1 or 2) and the earliest show I remember watching is, Mr. Bean and that too when I was 7 or something! Back then, we'd come back home from school, have a snack and run out to play. We'd go back home with just enough time left to do homework, have dinner and go to bed. The only knowledge I had about the internet was that you could send e-mails from your computer if you were connected to the internet. As I grew up, we got internet connection at home when I was 10. It was so painfully slow that I never wanted to test my patience with it. Today, you can do anything and everything on the internet. In those few moments in a day that I'm not spending on the internet, its pretty amazing to reflect upon that fact. Our internet addiction has reached such sky rocketing heights that I couldnt help but agree with a meme that I came across. It said "Last night, my wifi was not working so I spent some time with my family. They are actually really nice people!"

I remember the very first mobile phone in the house. That was in 2003, I suppose. It was half as long as my palm, had a minuscule black and white screen and could do nothing except making calls, sending texts and playing a couple of games. The only available wall papers were outlines of flowers and the like. It amazed and amused me so much. I mean, who wouldn't be amazed by a phone that you could carry around with you and it was small enough to comfortably fit into your pocket? The coolest thing was that it came with two covers! One was navy blue and the other was rainbow-colored. Later on, as the flip open and slide open phones became popular, they were all the rage. Then smart phones came into existence. The smart phone could do everything and owning a smart phone is as important (possibly even more), as having your limbs. The sad thing is that no matter what companies come up with in their smart phones, we aren't surprised anymore. The standard reaction to any new smart phone functionality is, "It's about time they incorporated this into phones." 

Kids these days are introduced to smart phones and the internet at such a young age. They grow up watching their favorite characters on screen and playing virtual games. A couple of days ago, I saw a one year old, taking selfies on a smart phone (which is one of the most adorable things I've ever seen!) and that one-year old also texts me often from his mom's phone. And I think of myself who was so fascinated by that primitive little mobile. Wow! If so much could change in ten years, I wonder what incredible changes we are yet to witness. However, I'd always feel resentment at the fact that childhood is being defined by different things today, that imaginary friends are being substituted with virtual friends, that games we once played with our family are now being played with a computer. Now that I have also succumbed to the luxuries of technology, my hands are constantly glued to my phone and my eyes forever fixed on the screen. Yet I still can't help wonder when technology took over our lives and at what point we let it do so.

Grab your confidence, get, set, go!

After my last blog post, I wrote a couple of drafts and then shoved them away for no reason at all. But here is something that I think I must write about. Something I've noticed a lot in school and college students (I can't speak for those older than them) is the lack of self confidence. I've learnt from my own experiences how important self confidence can be and would like to share my thoughts, stories and all that I've discovered along the way about having self confidence.

As they move through school, kids generally tend to compare themselves with their friends, they like to know who has the better school bag and stationery. As they grow older, they start comparing clothes, talents, achievements, trophies and so on. It is around this time that some of them start losing confidence in themselves when they notice that their friends are doing better than themselves in any particular field. At that age, it is easy to be put off by small failures. As they move to high school and college, they tend to not believe in themselves at all and think that they're not good enough to achieve certain things. I've seen quite a few people who underestimate themselves and believe that they are not as good as their peers.

Thinking that you are not good enough to achieve something means that you have given up before you even tried. Unless you believe you have it in you to achieve something, you are never really going to try hard to achieve it. When you have confidence in yourself, it shows in everything you do, the way you talk, the way you carry yourself, the way you talk to others, the way you approach problems, the way you take up challenges and what not. That confidence is what lets others know if you are capable of achieving and taking up challenges. I've always believed that, for someone to believe in you, you must first believe in yourself. So what is it that you can do to build self confidence?

You might always feel that you lack something. However, every single person is unique and your unique qualities are your biggest strengths. If each of us could look at ourselves from a different person's perspective, none of us would ever think we are not good enough. However it is not practical to have someone tell you how good you are all the time. That responsibility is solely yours. Whenever I face self confidence issues, I think of my most treasured achievements. They remind me of all that I am good at. I suggest you do the same. It also helps to remind yourself that no one can be perfect and you are amazing in your own way. Do remember that one cannot be good at everything. So, instead of trying to achieve that, why not work on your positive qualities? If you've failed many times, remember that you've learned more from each failure than you'd have learned if you'd succeeded. When things go wrong, don't give up. Look towards the future with confidence in yourself.

Having spent a large chunk of my childhood battling self-confidence issues, most of what I've written here is out of personal experience. It took me quite some years to realize that the solution to my problems lies with me. Once I realized that and worked on my self-confidence, I met a completely different version of myself. One of my friends fondly refers to it as "Zeina's metamorphosis"! The changes I witnessed in myself then onwards were incredible. I could find myself being much, much more confident of myself when I interacted with others. That made it easier for me to make many new friends and hone my talents. I then worked on all my strengths and got better at what I was already good at. I stopped worrying about all that I was not good at and focused on my talents. I continue to do that today. It is human to be put off by failures, but once you over come that disappointment, success is not very far off. If you do not realize your worth, no one will. 

Wrapping up 2013 - some thoughts, some memories

It's almost the end of the year! That means that the New Year posts on social media will start coming soon. Towards the end of every year we are used to looking back at how the year has been and it's always interesting to see how people rate their year on their Facebook posts. In a couple of days, it is all people are going to be talking about. You're going to hear about achievements, failures, parties, friends, grades, purchases, vacations and every thing that happened to people in 2013. While some will be happy about how things turned out to be, some will have reasons to complain and will look forward to a new year and new beginnings. When I'm done with the final exams of my fall semester every year, which is usually 10-15 days before the end of the year, I start thinking about how the year has been. But I believe that no matter how bad the year has been, everyone will have had something happen to them that would've made the year worth cherishing. And it would only be fair if we take a moment to thank God for all those precious little moments.

As I was thinking about how this year has been and how I hope the next year will be, I thought of writing a blog post so that everyone reading can also have a few moments of reflection. Such moments of reflection make us gain appreciation for all that we have. So why not bid goodbye to the year with happy thoughts and welcome the new year with good hopes? 2013 has been a great year for me. Nothing extra ordinary, but it is the ordinary things that make life beautiful right? Two great semesters; lots of new friends; my first job; a great summer; lots of quality time with family; finally visiting Dubai after wanting to do so for as long as I can remember; meeting a best friend after two years of being apart; a bunch of good books; starting this blog; making some progress on the path of self discovery; being touched by the kindness shown by strangers and waking up everyday healthy, at home, with family. I've every reason to celebrate the year 2013 and I'm sure you do too!

Since we're talking about all the good things that happened this year, let me share with you an incident that touched my heart and left me feeling overwhelmed. It was sometime in October, a week before a really hard midterm that I went hunting for the textbook for that class. I don't use textbooks unless exams are around the corner and it was only natural that I couldn't find it when I first looked for it. When I couldn't find it even after looking around the house thrice, I was starting to get worried. I know I'm careless with books but have never lost one. I then asked one of my friends and she agreed to lend me her book till I could find mine; but I still kept looking. After considering all possibilities, my aunt remembered returning a few library books a week before. It was a very small possibility but I might have returned my textbook with the library books. Though it seemed preposterous, she thought of giving it a try. That is how the two of us ended up going to the library that Wednesday evening, one day before my midterm. I was convinced that I'd lost my textbook and went along only because she insisted. We went in and told someone about what happened. The events that happened afterwards were nothing less than miraculous. The woman we spoke to, informed a couple of co-workers and all of them went out in different directions looking for it in possible places. I was amazed at the amount of effort they were putting in even though it was entirely my fault. When I told them it was a college textbook, they were even more determined to find it. After looking in a bunch of possible places, we could still not find it. They'd asked me to leave my phone number and other details about the book so that they could keep looking for it. I did so and left, still convinced that my book was never returned with the library books. I hadn't even reached home, when they called to let me know that they found it. We rushed back to the library and as soon as I walked in, a kind looking elderly woman came to me and told me that they had all been looking for the book since college books were expensive and they didn't want me to have to pay for it again. By then, I'd become famous in the library as "the girl who lost her textbook"! They then gave me my book and reminded me as I left, to be more careful with my books in future. I was stunned by how kind these people were to stop doing whatever they were doing to look for my book, even though it was in no way their fault. This is not easy to forget and every time I think of the year 2013, I'll remember this heart-warming incident. You'd have also had some incredible things happen to you in 2013 that are worth remembering. As you bid farewell to the year, keep those in mind and be grateful for all those blessings. Who knows how many around us have had so much to be thankful for?

The beauty of being yourself

It's been such a long time since I last blogged. I'd promised myself that I'd make sure never to take such a long break but school work always gets in the way of my promises. So anyways, I'm back to blogging! I'd watched a video a month ago. It was a short film that spoke about how Tamils living both in India and abroad do not encourage their children to speak in Tamil, as a consequence of which the language would disappear in a few years. As someone who strongly believes in maintaining one's identity and regularly speaking in one's native language, this film touched me and haunted me for days to come. Then I decided that I'd blog about it.

A few years ago, when I was in high school, I was asked to write a short essay on my thoughts on "What should one do on moving to a new country? Should they change to suit their surroundings or else strictly stick to their identity?" I didn't need time to think. I straightaway went on to write that no matter what, there is nothing that stops you from maintaining your own identity. Looking back, I realize that at that point of time, life was all black and white. Now, I can see the grey areas as well. But, that hasn't changed my opinion on the matter one bit. I still believe that no matter where you live or who you live with, you can keep your identity and always be proud of your culture and heritage. I'm not sure where or how I picked up that stand but I've had it for as long as I can remember. Though I'm Indian, I've spent most of my life in Saudi Arabia and a few years in the United States. For the last 13 years or so that I've spent outside India, every time someone asked me who I was, I would proudly say "I'm Indian, from the southern state of Tamil Nadu." I'm asked that question almost on a daily basis and my answer remains the same.

I've always taken pride in my mother tongue Tamil, in it being one of the classical Indian languages, in its centuries old heritage, in how beautiful it sounds, in coming from a country with such a rich cultural background, in our languages, our colors, our clothes, our cuisines. Having lived in three countries, each one as different from the other as possible, I only added on to myself what i liked about the people there. Those additions never took away from me what I already was. This might have been because of my confidence in who I am or else the fear of losing myself in the crowd. I strongly believe that taking pride in your culture and individuality brings you more respect in the new place than if you'd tried to blend in. Now let me add the grey to that high school essay. Blending in is necessary. But, blending in to such an extent that you might lose your identity is dangerous. I've always felt that when I look back at life, i want to be all that I was a few years ago. I don't want to lose myself anywhere along the way.

We can find something beautiful about every culture, every country. There is only the issue of identifying the beautiful things about your background and beginning to love them. On moving to any country, you can still be yourself. It is all about being yourself. You've got no one to impress and forgetting your identity is certainly not going to impress anyone. If you come to think of it, certain countries are well known for their multicultural population. What would happen if we erased those cultural differences? Would the earth be the same if we all began to look and act the same? There is nothing more beautiful than people maintaining their individual identities and still living together in harmony. The identity of our planet is in all those different cultures. Remember that. Spend some time every now and then, reminding yourself of who you are. I do that too. I tell myself that I'm an Indian Tamil Muslim and I couldn't be any prouder. 

One word for women. One voice for India.

 The Indian woman has been in the news a lot over the past 6 months or so. Unfortunately, it hasn't been for good reasons. Those news reports have only further reiterated the fact that the Indian woman will never be treated anything but inferior to men. No matter what she achieves, or what she has in her to achieve, she will never be considered equal to men. Yes this post has been triggered by the gender-based attacks against women in India and the insensitive stuff people post on social media in response to those attacks, but the thoughts I am going to put in here have originated much, much before these attacks ever came into limelight. I am just bringing together thoughts gathered since childhood.

I've never experienced any sort of discrimination at my home. I've been given all that freedom and privileges that were given to my brother. Yet, I've experienced and seen this kind of a discrimination at many a places. In our country, any wrong that happens with a woman is her fault. They say, "It happens because of the clothes she wears, the cellphone she carries, her dancing at weddings, her going out to school/work, her breathing, her existing. Women are harrassed because of their inappropriate clothing." Really? And a woman's clothing is the license for a man to do anything he wishes? "A man never goes wrong. We will blame our daughters but never our sons. We will constrict our daughters every way possible but never say no to our sons." What is even more disheartening to see is that not only men but women also have similar ideologies. They say that it is a dangerous world for women out there. Yes it is. But why is it so? Have we ever asked ourselves that question? We teach our daughters to be alert and guarded, but never teach our sons to respect women.

Most people still consider a girl child to be a burden and their son's bride as their money tree. We take pride in being a fast developing country. We take pride in our culture and how we are able to balance between our values and western influence. Yet, our newspapers are filled with these stories. I recently watched an episode of a television show that talks about social issues about a man who abandoned his wife and three daughters only because they were women and he considered them to be a burden on him. Opening the news app on my phone has become a painful thing. You never know what you might see there that might make you lose your peace of mind. You never know what city in India has now been deemed unsafe for women. I was so disturbed at these stories and annoyed at those comments that only talked about staying away from trouble that I started thinking about how to put a complete stop to all these crimes. It took a lot of thinking but I could finally see what we must do. 

Parents are capable of way more than what they realize. It is those little things that our parents teach us at young ages that stay with us and guide us lifelong. We are of course exposed to influences outside home. But at the end of the day when you come back home, it is in your parents' hands to get rid of all those unwanted influences. I have heard really young boys say that girls should stay home and play with their dolls and that is all they must do. What is it that contaminates these young minds at such a tender age? Shouldn't we set examples at home for the child to follow? If a young boy never saw his father mistreating his mother, where will he learn to do that from? If a boy never got any more love, respect, freedom or privileges than his sister did, from where will he learn that women are inferior to men? If his parents never considered his sister to be a burden on them, why would he ever think that about his daughter? I am not saying that if we implement the above, everything will be perfect. All I am saying is that doing these will take us a step closer to ensuring that our women have a better, safer life. But, these are some questions to ponder upon. It is about time that parents realize their mistake and correct themselves even if they don't want to. They wouldn't be doing it for their sons but for the entire country.